Now Reduced for Quick Sale!

"All Cranberry, Prune, Fig, and Rhubarb Yogurt Variety Packs!
Now Reduced to Sell!"

Conversation in the kitchen of Acrefield House, Much Woolton, Liverpool UK inspired by a sign in the Woolton Tesco, April 2007



Honey? I brought you a yogurt variety pack. Mmm, yogurt. It's so good for you.

Thank you, sweetie. Is it strawberry? I like strawberry. I know you're always saying, "Mix it up with your mueslix. It's European." As if something called 'mueslix' could be improved by something called 'yogurt'. Too many vowels. But, as you know, I'm a man with an adventurous palate. I hope itÕs strawberry. Is it strawberry?

Well, no. It's not strawberry.

Blueberry? Blueberry is nice. Makes me think of Swedish girls in sunny meadows. I don't know why. They're in peasant blouses with deeply scooped necklines. Frolicing of course. They certainly love a good frolic, Swedish girls. Lots of laughing in the summer grass. Raised on a fine tradition of muesli-eating I'll bet, those girls. Strapping. ....Yes, blueberry would be nice....Is it blueberry?

No, no... I didn't get blueberry, my love. I...You know, honey, as we go through Life...

Wow. It really isn't blueberry.

As we go through life, honey, not everything is going to be blueberry yogurt and Swedish peasant girls in the barn.

Meadows. Swedish peasant girls in sunny meadows.

Yes. Sunny meadows. There may be blueberry yogurt at times. Those Golden Blueberry Yogurt Days. But, even those Swedish girls are not constantly awash and rolling in blueberry yogurt, I'm afraid.

Gosh honey. I can hardly be expected to pay attention to this conversation when you're tossing out yogurt-coated peasant girls.

Sorry. I'll be brief. The thing is, honey, the long hard, day-in day-out slog of being a Swedish peasant girl requires something more sturdy than blueberry yogurt. It requires a durable yogurt. In fact that is how the Swedish girls get all of their lovely teeth, their cute blouses, slender ankles, and brown legs with that delicate golden furze of hair that doesn't snap the handles off Gillette after Gillette in grusome shaving fracasses leaving everyone involved tearful, gashed, and pocked with clots of bloody Kleenex only to to discover at dinner that, in the badly lit shower with no glasses, a shaggy fringe of stubble on the back of a left leg has escaped the mowing and now catches on the panty-hose of the guest-of-honor making her slosh her lobster bisque and say, "Ow. Ow. Good God, what was that? I've been bitten! There must be a badger under this table!"...and everyone shrieks and dives under the table to look for the badger and defend the guest-of-honor's...um..honor. And you.... You dive with them, don't you? Pretending to look for the badger under the table, when all along you know. You are the badger. Yes. The badger is you.

Honey?

No, my love! Not everyone's life is hair-free blueberry yogurt! Sometimes Life calls for more work-a-day yogurts. All-weather radial yogurts. Sensible shoe, Tyvek, straight-back chair, Sans-a-belt yogurts. Jeep yogurts!

So, what did you get?

I got the cranberry, prune, fig, and rhubarb variety pack.

You're kidding.

No.

Gosh.